So, maybe you’ve been dumped. Oh no! Okay, not really. If you’ve been dumped or you were the dumper, it’s not the end of the world. You don’t HAVE to be with someone. If you were in a bad relationship, it’s better to be alone than to be in something that is going to damage your heart and soul. Did you know that being single can actually be fun? Have you ever tried it?
A little bit about me: I have had a boyfriend since I was in 9th grade. Yes, I was always afraid of being alone and always needed a boy to hold my hand. I wanted to feel loved and wanted. What I didn’t know or understand that the one person that I needed the most love from was myself. I went from 14 to 28 non-stop. I don’t think I ever once took a break from a relationship. Honestly, I think I was scared. I was scared to be in the single world because it was so unfamiliar to me. I stayed in hateful, mentally, physically abusive relationships just so I wouldn’t be alone. Hey, I can do bad all by myself, I don’t need another to help it along.
I love the affection and attention of another person. I love having long conversations on the phone and feeling giddy. The only problem was I got really bored once the giddiness wore off. After years of failed relationships and being with people who didn’t deserve my sweet little soul, I called it quits. I was worn out and just straight up tired. The last relationship was so traumatic, I had no choice but to pull the plug on the relationship cord.
I can’t tell you or explain the fear I had of what was to come, the fear of being alone. What would I do? Who would I cuddle with? Who would I vent to? The feelings of being rejected and neglected pushed me into my vacation from men. You know what? It’s the best thing I ever did. I don’t have to put all of my energy into finding someone else to feel my void. I plan on waiting for the right person to come into my life, nothing forced..just something to fall into place.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past year being by myself. It’s been somewhat strange but amusing. I enjoy spending time with my son and time with myself. There are no arguments about who I’m on the phone with, where I’m going, who drank the last beer or where is the remote. Best of all, I’m learning to love myself, which is key. You can expect someone to love you completely without you having love for yourself. Being by myself, I have been empowered and have gain confidence.
If you are thinking about ending a relationship, try not to date another person for at least six months. You need to give yourself time to heal, reboot and regroup. If you don’t, you are only carrying baggage from one relationship to the next. Exhale. Enjoy life. At this moment, all I need is maybe one good lover and a few good friends. This way my physical and emotional needs are met, no strings attached. Singe isn’t bad at all. It’s just how you look at it. If you are so afraid of being single, you might have some other issues that you are unaware of that you need to deal with first. Most people who are afraid of being alone have some sort of abandonment issues. Take time for yourself. Enjoy your life. Focus on other things than trying to find a new man. If it’s meant to be, he/she will come. You can’t force something that isn’t fate. Wish me luck, I’m getting to the point where I’m single and ready to mingle (hey, it’s been a year already)!
Posted on July 3rd, 2008 in
Being Single | Tags:
Being Single | Author:
lindsayp |
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Think of all of the books, methods, and programs out there designed to help you fix your marriage or your relationship. Hell, chances are most of you’ve come across this blog because you’re trying to do just that. Perhaps you’re thinking, “We fight SO much and we need to work on things and get this issue solved.” You talk things out, you talk to professionals, you read books, and still no answers.
In my own marriage, I came to the realization that the one thing keeping our problems alive was my continual focus on our problems. I felt like the problems wouldn’t go away until we closed the issue by talking things out or putting different methods or ideas into practice. I was wrong. I am convinced that many of you are keeping your problems on going simply by focusing so much on solving them.
Bruce Lee once wrote, “It is useless to try and stir the dirt out of the muddy water; as it will become murkier. But leave it alone, and if it is to become clear, it will become clear on it’s own.” In other words, let it go. I don’t recommend pouring money into books and counselors to help you… I recommend this guy right here.
Get together with the person you love and forget about all your problems. Watch a funny movie, do something fun together. I may have only been married for two years, but if there’s one thing I have learned it’s that I’m ALWAYS going to have problems. I’m never going to have a problem-free marriage and I’m surely not going to have a problem-free life. The trick is not letting those problems dictate your mood, attitude, or actions.
There are so many things I could try to solve tonight with my marriage. I can tell you now that if I bring them up, my wife is going to have just as many problems with me. Do you know what we’re going to do about it? We’re going to watch “The Office” tonight and laugh. That show is funny! We’re always going to have problems, but they’re not going to dictate our lives; specially if The Office is on.
Posted on June 17th, 2008 in
Dating | Author:
kenny |
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Any type of relationship has it’s problems. There are millions of self-help books out there today that offer different methods to help you get along with your spouse, your friends, or your family. So which one is the right one for you? Should you change your diet? Perhaps you should go through the 15 step super study that promises you results if you complete the course. Maybe something like that will work for you, but nothing like that ever worked for me.
My wife and I had some major battles our first two years together. One of the things that really got on my nerves about her was how she’d talk at the most inconvenient time. It was as if her mouth was connected to the blow dryer or the vacuum cleaner. One night we were cleaning a Church and she started talking to me as soon as she turned on the vacuum. I was already upset and out of anger I said “It’s not like I can blankin’ hear you or anything.” She turned off the vacuum and did something completely unexpected. She told me that it hurts her feelings when I talk to her like that. I cannot tell you in words how low and sorry I felt after hearing her say that.
What she did was she broke the chain. She completely changed the mood. I was expecting something like “You’re a blankity blankin’ blanker and I wish I never marred you!” Instead, I got an honest look at how I made her feel which showed me how wrong I was.
Since then we’ve had a few fights, but nothing quite changes the mood like something out of the ordinary. Whether it’s a text message that simply says “I love you” or a hug out of nowhere, it seems to do the trick for us.
In order for something like this to work, you have to WANT the fight to end. If all you’re worried about is getting your way, it’s going to be extremely hard to end the fight with a random expression of love or kindness. Think about it. Could you have ended a few fights with your loved ones by simply changing the flow of the situation with some kind words or actions? If so, then I’m sure you can do it in the future.
It’s something to think about.
Posted on June 11th, 2008 in
Misc Relationships | Author:
kenny |
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Love is a very simple thing, but that doesn’t mean that no thought is required. If we just blindly make commitments when it comes to a romantic relationship we can make or break the rest of our lives. Admittedly, I did not count the costs before I got into a relationship or even got married to my wife. While I’m happy with my life today, it took 2 years of misery to get here!
Here are just a few things to think about. Are you and your potential mate compatible? Perhaps you like to stay home, and the person you’re considering a relationship with likes to go out. Usually what happens is that one side gives in for a time, and then as the relationship progresses they begin to miss their old way of living. When I first met my wife, my life got really busy. I really don’t like to go out that much. As our relationship progressed, so did the tension between us because I no longer wanted to run around all the time. For me, it felt like it was time for her to adjust to my way of living. For her, it felt like I just gave her what she wanted until it was too late, and then reverted back to the old me.
Another thing I didn’t take too seriously was the fact that she had kids. I knew she had kids, and I knew that I would be stepping into the role of “Father” to the kids. What I didn’t think through is that our time together would be reduced to after 9:00 PM and occasional days when the kids are not home.
I’m NOT saying that relationships are horrible and that if I would have just thought things through I would nave never married my wife. What I am saying is that if I would have thought things through I would have been better prepared for the road ahead. Going into marriage, or even a relationship, unprepared is like going into a professional fight with no training. If you do survive, you’re going to have to fight extra hard. Add in the concept that your partner has to work with you and want things to work out, and you can have quite the challenge ahead of you.
So think things through. Maybe you’ll find out that the person you’re considering isn’t the one for you. Hopefully, that person is the one for you and by thinking things through you will be better prepared for your new relationship.
God Bless!
Posted on June 6th, 2008 in
Dating | Author:
kenny |
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Jealousy. Most of us have felt it, whether in a relationship or the person walking by you at the mall. Both can be defined very differently. In a relationship jealousy is very complicated. If you have ever been cheated on continuously it is hard to trust somebody. It can cause a person to get obsessive in fear that it will happen again. This can happen to people who have cheated in the past, causing them to be more overprotective because of guilt, fearing the tables will turn. Regardless, a person’s own self esteem is one of the causes of jealousy. People are jealous because of issues with their own self confidence. You may feel like everybody walking by looks better than you do or is better off than you are. To stop being jealous would take someone completely falling in love, with themselves. I know that sounds conceited but people have to learn to treat themselves right. They need to believe in themselves, trust themselves, and be able to completely love yourself.
This may help to resolve the complications and danger that jealousy can cause in a relationship. One of the most destructive outcomes of jealousy is the loss of trust. To deny someone of doing things is just like telling them you do not trust them. Without trust, there is no solid ground for the term “forever.” You can not spend the rest of your life with someone you do not trust. That person may give in for awhile, but eventually they will resent you and feel trapped. People lose their identities when they can not do the things in life that need to be done without the other keeping tabs on every move they make. Another outcome would be the never ending fights and battles that you will have. If you lose the battle it will make your self-esteem drop even more. You will start to think the person does not care and does not love you. How horrible is it to feel that the one person that you want to spend your life with doesn’t love you? Then you begin to start daydreaming about ways that they are going to cheat on you and hurt you. It may not be happening but you KNOW IT IS. You can just feel it!! Every time they don’t call and check in or every time they have to work over time, you will be visioning what they are doing and asking yourself why they are not answering your phone call.
If you believe you are one of these people, tell somebody, because you are not alone! Many people today, with the technology of our times, get a little jealous of their significant others. Many do not want to admit it. Others trust their partners 100%. Do you ever tend to get jealous in your relationships? Do you have reason too? Do you believe it has been unhealthy or healthy in your relationship?
For a long time I was obsessed with changing the world. The only problem was that I could not figure out how to do it. Then it hit me, everyone changes the world every day. Every time you stand in line, stop at a red light, buy a ticket, pay for something, vote for somebody, go to school, take a job, quit a job, live, die, have a child, get married, turn on a light, flush a toilet, and so on… you’re changing the world. Think about it. If you didn’t have your job somebody else would, and because they had your job; somebody else would have their job. If you didn’t live where you live, somebody else would. But then who would live in the house that that somebody else lives at now? We could go on, and on, and on.
The question we should be asking ourselves is not whether or not we can change the world, but how we can make the right decisions to change the world for good. No matter what, we’re going to change the world today. So how should we do it?
NOT LIKE THIS!!!!
We develop small relationships throughout the day. I would like to encourage you to do simple acts of kindness so that the small relationships you build will be good ones. Some of them only last seconds, and some of them are the start of something new. There’s a mentally handicapped guy who often visits our local playground. I have done absolutely nothing for this guy except say “Hi,” and now every time he sees me he comes up to me. Teenagers, this is especially important for you. Imagine being elderly and walking around the mall on a Saturday afternoon. You hear kids cussing, talking about fighting one another, and dressed like they just crawled out of Hell. Then, all of a sudden one of them holds a door open for you. It can change the way you feel about them for the rest of the night.
Start thinking about how you can change simple little things in your life to change the world for better. Sure, it may last for 5 seconds, but the relationship you start with the old lady with a hand full of shopping bags can make all the difference. Start a relationship with the widowed lady in your neighborhood or the guy who lives alone and doesn’t have anyone to talk to.
Think about it.
God bless,
Kenny
Posted on June 3rd, 2008 in
Misc Relationships | Author:
kenny |
1 Comment
Being a woman, I think it’s in our genes to nurture. Sometimes we tend to take it a little to far. I grew up as the the one who rescued. Wow, I was so noble, right? I was always there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being honorable but it turns out I was my being “helpful” was a bad dose of co-dependency.
There’s a huge difference between helping and enabling. Helping becomes enabling when we solve or protect our mates to the point that they do suffer the consequences of their own actions or behavior.
You might be a rescuer if you:
Always handle his/her problems
Always think that what you think is best for him/her
Always feel a little bit of self-admiration
You never ask anything in return
I’m sorry but rescuing your partner never works. It allows the relationship to be one-sided and off balance. Pretty soon, even though you think you are being helpful your mate will start to have resentment towards you. People need to learn to rescue themselves. If you never allow them to pick up the pieces on their own, they will never learn. It’s kind of like parenting. Parents raise their children the best they can and then they let them go out into the world. Eventually you have to let go and let them make their own choices, good or bad. We learn from our mistakes, right?
I learned about co-dependency at an early age. I’m thankful that I was finally able to recognize it and fix it early in life. What do most people have in common when they are co-dependent? Yes, they need people to need them but most of the time they are throwing themselves into helping other people’s problems so they don’t have to focus on their own.
A relationship should be a healthy balance. It’s okay to help one another. When it starts to get to the point where one is always pulling the other out of a hole, then you have a problem.
Thinking Your Partner Can Read Your Mind
Wow, there’s something about women and thinking that men can read our mind. It’s like we stay little hints but we have trouble coming out and completey saying things. It’s like we just assume that men know what we are getting at. I think men are more likely to say what they are thinking and feeling than women. We have a weird way of dropping these hints and skating around the issue.
Guess what? No one can read your mind. I know, it’s hard to believe. We are all doomed to fail if we expect our mate to figure out what we are trying to say (reading our mind). We are being unfair to others when we expect this. Also, you are being unfair to yourself. Communication is key. It’s so important to learn how to communicate.
You are more likely to feel misunderstood if you don’t meet your partner in the middle and express your feelings. Most likely if you don’t feel like you are understood you are more than likely to hold in your feelings. Hello, and there goes the communication. Soon there will be a sense of resentment and it’s a downward spiral from there. People who often miscommunicate with their partner end up feeling unloved. Communication must be balanced. You can’t ramble on without giving your partner a chance to talk.
Don’t skate around any issue. Express yourself. Say exactly what you want or what you need. This is the only way you are going to be able to communicate because people can’t read your mind.
We’ve all been in relationships, some of us more than others. Looking back I wish that I would have done a few things differently. We all make mistakes and we learn and grow from them. Check out these mistakes that people continue to make in relationships.
Forcing Intimacy-
They always say that meeting someone at work, at church or someone’s friend of a friend is always the best because things grow gradually. They say the best love develops gradually, as you get to know someone. It is possible to build a relationship on forced intimacy but chances of it being a healthy, solid relationship is pretty rare.
You’re probably wondering, “Why would anyone want to force intimacy?” When you get lonely sometimes you are blinded by what’s best for you. Sometimes we get into relationships just because we are lonely and we have to force it. Forced intimacy feels unnatural and uncomfortable. How will I know it’s forced. You will know. You will feel it in your gut. “Well, he’s a nice guy but I’m just not attracted to him like that”. It is said that forcing intimacy you threaten your intended mate’s personal boundries and it is natural for them to feel frightened or to respond by rejecting you. What are the reasons for us forcing intimacy? We have unresolved issues of rejection, we have a fear of being alone, we crave intimacy but fear it or we want the fairy tale.
How can I learn to stop forcing intimacy? You have to learn to recongize how you force intimacy or how others force it on you. You have to learn and recongize these patterns and break them. It’s all about chasing after approval even when you don’t completely want to be with that person. Begin to put sex where it belongs. You should always take your time in a relationship. It needs to be built on something solid, something grounded. Do not have sex with someone until they are emotionally invested with you.
So, I cuddle up and snuggle close with a warm book and hot chocolate. Not really, but a warm book, possibly. Ah, the cold weather. Always bringing back some nostalgic feeling of warmth and love
The cold. Why does it make me yearn for the grasp of a warm soul? A warm hand stroking my hair, warm lips pressing against - the soft whisper of love-. The soft whisper of a soul insync with my own, but a warm book…a warm book will have to do for now.
The sun shines different these days. The cold doesn’t seem as cold. There’s a unique warmth to it. A unique warmth thinking it could only be brought by another one. There is no other, no other….one.
The bitterness has dried. Love birds fly past and I smile. How many times did I puke in the past, the damn love birds. They could have just flown away and died, but now I fly with them, the love birds. Love is a beautiful thing. Ice thaws and my heart is wet. The water drips - the warmth seeps out. So content.
A precious couple, a family- my neighbors. Timing it perfect on a Saturday, on the lawn, they visit. Husband, wife and their precious little baby, so precious. The bitterness has dried. Feeling warmth and happiness for others takes over. But, where’s my family? Where is my husband? Why don’t you sit on the lawn and play family.
It could possibly be sad. But it’s not- anymore. What a precious family, what a warm feeling. So many years it took, it took so many years to get to this spot in my life. I will never look back, only forward. And I look forward to the things life has to bring. I look for the things that I have to give - to life…..
A warm hand, a warm kiss, the soft whisper of i love you, because I do. My unknown love. Almost to the spot of balance. Meet me half way and hold my hand, whipser in my ear and never let go
Posted on June 1st, 2008 in
Deep Thoughts,
love | Tags:
love | Author:
lindsayp |
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